Your stupidity might be your one saving grace.
- Uh? - Don't "uh" me, Greek boy.
How is it your fucking stupid, soon-to-be-dead friends
thought that they might be able to steal my cannabis and then sell it back to me?
Is this a declaration of war? Is this some white cunts' joke that black cunts don't get?
'Cause I'm not fucking laughing, Nicholas.
I have three interests in life, Nick.
No, four.
Football, music, money and the annihilation of anyone that interferes in that shortlist.
I know you couldn't have known my position
'cause if you did, you wouldn't have turned up here scratching your arse
with that "What's going on here?" look slapped all over your Chevy Chase.
But what you do know is where these people live.
If you hold back anything, I'll kill you.
If you bend the truth, or I think you're bending the truth, I'll kill you.
If you forget anything, I'll kill you.
In fact, you're going to have to work very hard to stay alive, Nick.
Now, do you understand everything I've said?
Because if you don't, I'll kill you.
Now, Mr. Bubble and Squeak,
you may enlighten me.
- So we've got a bit of a problem, haven't we? - Oh, well, yeah, we do.
In fact, it's a bit more than a bit of a problem.
You could say it's the Mount-fucking-Everest of problems.
And the reason it's such a mon-fucking-strosity of a problem
is you haven't got the first idea who did this, have you?
Dog, we've been up all night. We've had them all lined up against the wall.
- If they was from round here, we'd know. - We'd know.
You'd know? You'd fucking know? You wouldn't know if it was the fucking neighbors!
Now, get out there and find them! I'm sick of the fucking sight of you!
You little shit!
Scarface.
I've watched Scarface.
You want to know how to do a drug deal, you watch Scarface.
- That really inspires confidence, that. - This guy Rory Breaker.
Rory Breaker? Psychotic black dwarf with an Afro?
- That'd be the same man, yes. - I heard about him.
- He's a fucking lunatic. - Well, he can afford to do the deal.
He won't give us any trouble 'cause we'll be a pain in the arse.
- I'd take a pain in the arse for £500,000. - You'd take a pain in the arse for Air Miles.
- The fatter you get, the sadder you get. - Will you two stop flirting?
After we pay Hatchet, this deal puts us up nearly £200,000 each.
That's not bad for a morning's work, I think you'll agree.
- So they had the cash. - And the puff.
Cheeky bastards. Count it.
Shit, Dog, there's a lot.
Don't you want to do it next door?
We're not going next door till we've flayed them dead men walking.
We'll count it upstairs. I don't want them to see you when they walk in.
But, Dog, look...
Give us it here, dozy bastard.
Check your guns, get yourselves well hid.
You wait till they get right inside the door.
Then you give it them.
Give me them shooters, you can use your own.
- Yeah? - That's no way to answer the phone.
- Is that you, Dean? - No, it's Lord-fucking-Lucan.
- Who'd you think it is? - What can I do for you?
- Those guns I sold you? I need them back. - Not likely. I won't be seeing them again.
- I've got the money to pay for them. - I don't think you understand.
I ain't seeing them or the guns again.
- Can't get them. - So we can't get them.
You'll have to fucking get them.
We made a deal for everything inside the cabinet.
Inside, out-fucking-side, I don't give a shit.
- You get those guns, because if you don't... - Yeah, Bazzer, or what?
Have you heard of Harry Lonsdale? Otherwise known as Hack You Up With A Hatchet Harry?
Well, this is James Bond, need-to-know time.
When you dance with the devil, you wait for the song to stop,
know what I mean?
I mean, find them, torture them and kill them.
And bring back what belongs to me.
Because if you don't, your family’s bang in trouble.
- Who was that? - That was Harry Horrible Hatchet.
- Jesus, I've heard of him. - We're in shit.
They were his fucking guns we sold. We've got to find them.
Now, no fucking about now, Nick. Where can I find those guns?
Six black cocks and a little white kitten sitting on the side of the road.
We're gonna do a proper decoration job.
I want the grey skies of London illuminated. I want that house painted red.
All right. There's this brass standing on the corner, right.
Dwarfwalks up to her carrying a suitcase.
Winston there is going to come along and see if he recognizes any of them.
Now watch out for these fellas.
They've got a bit of an arsenal and they don't mind using it.
...and I'm taking down her panties...
Does everyone know what they've got to do?
Yeah.
What the fuck is going on?
You got something here for me, have you?
Come on. Chop-chop.
Thank you very much.
- He's got the guns. Go ahead, you get them. - Why me?
- You're the hard case. - You get them. I drive the car!
Here you go, boy.
- Get the fucking guns! - I'm not gonna get the fucking guns!
- You fucking shithouse... - Nah, nah, nah...
Right, wrap them guns up, count the money...
...and put your seatbelt on.
...fucking guns! - We get them or we're dead.
So I made sure I fucked the one that was coughing.
You yuppie fucker!
Aaah!
- He's the one we shot in the neck. - Is that right, Mr. Botanical?
Jesus!
I don't believe this. What the fuck has happened here?
Jesus!
The money, the gear...
This is fucked. No money, no weed.
It's all been replaced by a pile of corpses.
All right, don't panic.
- Let's think about this. - No, fuck that.
You can think about it. I am panicking and I'm off.
Hello, John. Nice holiday?
Yeah, terrific, Chris. I got sunstroke and concussion thrown in for an extra grand.
Sounds like a good deal.
- You're not complaining, are you, John? - No, mate. I'm taking the family next year.
Fair play to you.
- That you, Chris? - Harry.
- How did you get your hands on these, then? - The boys had them.
I know you like these sort of things, wondered if you wanted them.
Yeah, I'll have them.
- Was it hard work getting the money? - Not especially.
Upset a few characters, though.
- You counted it? - Yeah, it's all there, to the pound.
- And they were gonna pay? - Looks like it. But who knows.
The opportunity was there. In my experience, it's best to take that opportunity if it's there.
Good work, Chris.
- We've got to get those guns. - We don't even know who lives there.
I don't care who lives there. All's I know is that it's preferable to death by hatchets.
Fair enough. Let's go.
I don't think it's the right move.
It's either that, the old boy's place and we lose a digit daily.
- I'm gonna phone him. - As if he'll care.
He'll care all right. That was his money.
Whether he cares about us or not is different. Pass me the phone.
Yeah? Oh, that you, boy?
It's Ed, if that’s what you mean.
- Pay-day, isn't it? - Yeah. I wanted to talk to you about that.
I'll bet you do.
I got half a million nicker sitting here, which means some poor sod doesn't.
You've been upsetting a few people, boy, but that really isn't my concern, is it?
What does concern me is the guns you had.
I want to talk to you about that.
So get your arse over here now. And I do mean now.
Bastard! You fucking bastard!
You fucking bastard!
What the fuck are you doing here?
Ah!
Job well done. I made a few quid out of that one.
- Son? - Made a few quid, did you?
Where's what I want?
- You all right down there, mate? - Very fucking funny.
- Where's what I want? - I've just left it in the office.
Well, we'd better go and get it, if you want your son to see his next birthday.
Now chop-fucking-chop.
All right. Fair enough.
Where are you going?
It's a 30-second drive or a 5-minute walk.
And I couldn't have parked outside. I'd have got a ticket.
- I suppose that don't matter now, does it? - Just be careful.
Right.
- You and me. - You and who?
You know where the door handle is, Tom.
Oh, no, not again.
That's it. I'm off.
Tom, that is our bag.
- Ed! - Hold on!
This is our bag.
- That's it, we're off. - I'm gonna take these guns.
- Tom, don't fuck about. - I'll see you in the car.
It'll only take a minute.
- What is going on? - I don't know.
But what I do know is there's no more Harry.
Which means there's no more debt
and if there’s no more debt, there's no more problem.
And there's no problem with the neighbors because they're all dead
and I think, if I get this right,
we haven't done anything wrong and we're in the clear.
Never, ever
has anyone
been as fucking rude to me
as you have!
You all right, mate?
Cheeky bastard.
This was an embarrassing position for Tom to be in,
but Chris had to respect the fact
that he was holding what appeared to be loaded shotguns.
And Tom had to respect the fact that they were not loaded
so without anybody losing too much face, Tom left through a side-door
and Chris left with the money and everybody else got arrested.
Odds, chaps. Gotta remember the odds.
Hope I'm not interrupting.
I need to know. What's going on, son?
He's not one of them.
Your dad'd like a word with you, Ed.
- Where are the others? - They got out yesterday, they're at the bar.
- All right, Dad? - I'm all right. How about yourself?
Oh, I'm all right.
- I could do with a drink, though. - All in good time, all in good time.
So, you in the clear? More importantly, am I?
- It appears so. - Appears?
You'll have to do better than fucking appears, my friend.
Well, everybody's dead, Dad, I think that’s about as clear as it can get.
- How about that drink? - You know where the bar is.
Eh?
Don't make yourself too comfortable. Alan's got to sit there.
Alan!
You're lucky you're still breathing.
Let alone able to walk.
I suggest you take full advantage of that fact.
...before he pays. It's in all our interest.
All right, lads? How's it going?
- How you doing, Soap? Still cooking? - Yeah, you know...
How about the girls?
What about your diet?
Where's that son of mine?
You took your time. Where the hell have you been?
Sit down, I'll tell you.
So the traffic warden identified the neighbors' bodies,
which sort of puts us in the clear.
The only thing connecting us with the case is those shotguns.
And Tom took care of them.
You did take care of the shotguns, didn't you, Tom?
- I wanted to talk to you about that. - Well, talk.
Well, actually, no.
They're in the car. I was gonna sell them back to Nick the Greek.
- You dippy bastard. - So,
the only thing connecting us with the case
is in the back of your car which is parked outside?
They cost us 700 quid. I'm not gonna throw them away.
And they're hardly likely to trace them back to us, are they?
Do you really think it's worth taking the risk for £700?
Tom, you're a dick.
Now, you take those guns and you throw them off a bridge.
- And throw yourself off while you're at it. - Now, Tom.
- Look, all I'm... - Now, Tom!
- Can I have a beer, please, Dad? - I'm busy, get it yourself.
It seemed Hatchet underestimated you lot
and it seems to have cost him.
I ain't going to make the same mistake, am I?
So I've decided to bring your bag back.
I think the words you're looking for, gentlemen, is, "Thank you."
Thank you.
Now, you've presented me with a problem.
I've lost my employer.
So I've taken care of myself and my son.
Now, if you think that's unfair, you come and pay me a little visit
but you better be waving a white flag, high and clear,
so's I can see it,
or it'll be the last little visit you ever make.
You understand?
That's all I've come to say.
There is one more thing.
It's been emotional.
We are now officially in the money-lending business. All right, son?
Put your seatbelt on. We're out of here.
It's empty.
What's his number?
Don't, don't, you'll jam the line. I'll call him.
- The fucking battery! - You muppet!
- I'll dial it! Keep calm for a minute. - Give me the phone, give me the phone.
Give me the phone! Give me the phone!
- Give me the phone! - Shut it! It's fucking ringing!
All right. There's this brass standing on a corner, right.
Dwarfwalks up to her carrying a suitcase. Says, "How much?"
She says, "A oner." He says, "All right," goes up to her room.
He says, "Right, get on the bed," so she lays down.
Dwarf opens his suitcase, pulls out these four springs, puts one on each hand and foot.
Bounces over to the bed, gets on top of her, boing-boing, bouncing up and down.
Boing! Boing! Best shag she's ever had in her life.
He's on her for, like, two hours, shagging away, boing-boing.
Bounces off her after a while, right, and it's the best fuck she's ever had in her life.
She's like, "I'm sorry but that was just amazing, the best fuck I've ever had."
"What technique do you call that?"
He says, "Four spring dwarf technique."
- There were two old guns there. - Not in the cabinet, there wasn't.
There was a couple of hammerlock muskets the butler was carrying
- but we sold them. - Well, you've got to unsell them.
- They were ours! We had to sell them! - I'm not fucking interested!
If you don't want to be counting the fingers you haven't got
or sharing a bed with the Antichrist
I suggest you get those guns, quick!
- All right. - And get us an ice cream while you're at it.
That takes care of that lot, son.
...phone.
- Oh, my God. - Hey- hey! Go on! Go on, son!